Guess who's back?!

MMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Man oh Man I suck at being a "blogger" but what can I say, I didn't have a computer, then I had a second baby, then I just never really felt like it (and if I did have an urge to vent, I did so in some private groups I belong to on Facebook!) 

Speaking of, we had a second bambino!!!

Kendall Rylie 

Born July 18th (of last year!)

When they said "Its a girl" we were thrilled!!! (and scared all at the same time)

Now we are a fambam of 4!!!!!!!! Things have changed a little, and Dominick is now use to his big brother role, but it was an adjustment to say the least :)

So here we are a year after my last post... Kendall was born, Dominick had surgery (port removed=YAY!), we moved, spent our first Christmas as a family of 4 in our own home, I personally have made some new amazing mommy friends, lots of my friends have become first time moms, and best of all

RYAN WAS PROMOTED AT WORK!!! 

Ryan is now in his dream role that he has been working hard towards since I met him in '08- I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished in his profession. As far as me, I am still "working inside the home" ha ha ha (I heard someone say that once and it made Ryan and myself laugh!) But hey, keeping stuff clean, teaching a toddler, dealing with a baby is tough work... so is watching housewives and other reality TV while the kids sleep :) I am blessed beyond words and can never thank Ryan enough for allowing me to raise these kiddos!!! (even though somedays are a little much to handle!) 

I plan on being better at these blog post, that is my goal!!! Wish me luck!!!

ONE YEAR LATER...

One year ago today my life was completely turned upside down. At an x-ray appointment to check for constipation our doctor called us with news NO parents wants to hear. Before we had a chance to leave the parking lot we heard the words that would forever change our life.

"Your son has a huge mass growing out of his kidney..." "HUH? Is a mass a tumor" "I am not sure but you need to get to Upland and have another test done right away..."

While at SACH I was still in shock about what the other doctor said... maybe they confused his slide with someone else? Maybe they THOUGHT they saw something and it isn't really there. In the middle of the ultrasound the tech came in and confirmed what our doctor had told us.

"Your son has a huge mass/tumor growing out of his right kidney. Here is the CD you need to take with you to Loma Linda." "HUH!?" "Go home and pack for the Children’s Hospital"

Once we got to Loma Linda we were admitted to the cancer ward… Ryan and I were both confused as to why they hadn’t put us in the normal ICU/PICU units. Once the nurse came in I asked her

“Does he have cancer?”

She obviously couldn’t say yes or no, but if it was a tumor then probably yes. That night we did our first sedation CT-scan and saw the results… let’s just say Ryan and I were speechless! The tumor was huge pushing all of his organs over and causing him to have trouble breathing. We were given several options, the top 2 being A- we start chemo and shrink the tumor to a smaller size then remove it, then continue chemo OR B- get the tumor out and start chemo. Well, considering Ryan and I didn’t go to medical school we asked a million questions and thank GOD for our surgeon and his confidence. He told us if it was his kid he would take it out and he was 100% positive he would get it out without damaging any other important organs/veins/arteries etc. So we went in on a Tuesday (June 14^th) and Dominick had his operation Friday (June 17^th.) The days in between were filled with test and more test to make sure the tumor was not attached to anything but the kidney. On June 17^th Dominick went in to surgery around 10:30am and we got to see him around 7:30pm. That was probably the worst and longest day of my life. When we got the text that we could go see him the surgeon came down to get us and showed us pictures of the tumor. It was much larger than they had imagined. It was 6 inches and 2.5lbs… in a little 5 month old body! It was 10% of his body weight! They had to remove the right kidney but thankfully everything else was not attached. From that point on we waited on the results. They were thinking it was a stage 2 Wilms Tumor… when the reports came back it was a little worse. It was a stage 3 Wims Tumor. From there we got our roadmap for his recovery process. 6 months of Chemotherapy was in this little guys future. Before starting chemo, they do a standard test on the kids to make sure their body can handle it, and one test came back that his heart was not functioning well enough to start chemo. We were sent to the Cardiac ICU to start receiving medicine there and started seeing a cardiologist. Because the tumor was so large, it had been pushing on his heart, causing his heart to be enlarged and not pump as well as it should at 5 months old. His nephrologists had him already on blood pressure medicine so that was all we could do. His heart was considered a “secondary problem” which I was told would heal itself once the “primary problem” (tumor) was taken care of. Once his heart was a little stronger he was able to start chemo and was sent home right before the 4^th of July. He starting losing his hair the beginning of August so Ryan and I made up our minds that we would shave it. We only shaved it that once and it never came back until recently. It was hard, but what was harder was seeing him loose his eye browns and eye lashes. We got use to seeing him like this though, and when he started to get hair, eye lashes, and eye brows we thought he looked silly! Now looking back at his pictures it makes me sad because he did look like a sick kid.

The whole 3 weeks were filled with MANY tears from Ryan and I, our family and our friends. Nobody could believe this was happening. NOBODY! Ryan and I would be fine and able to talk to everyone, then would have massive breakdowns when it was just us, looking at our baby having to go through so much. We were sent to classes on how to live with a Cancer Kid and all the things we needed to know. I was also sent to a class to learn how to give him shots at home and how to take his blood pressure. We still talk about these 3 weeks and what a nightmare it was… it was almost too horrible to be true. Many marriages are ruined in the hospital because of the stress and emotional burden it causes on a couple to have a ‘special needs’ child. I am so glad that was not our case. Ryan and I grew closer because of this and couldn’t be happier with our support system that stood behind us through everything. Ryan had friends that lived nearby that opened their home to us to shower and sleep in. We had friends that would bring us lunch and come visit, and we also had more love on FB than we could have ever imagined. I don’t know what we would have done without everyone’s support and love for Ryan and I and mostly Dominick.

People say “I don’t know how you guys did it” and “Dominick is a lucky kid to have such amazing parents” well I say “we are the lucky ones.”

Dominick has blessed our lives in more ways than I can express. I think his courage and fight has inspired many others, including Ryan and I. He has never lost his smile and charm and continues to be such a happy baby. I don’t know many babies that will hug their doctors and give high-fives to nurses who just poked him with a needle. I don’t know many babies that will run to you when you yell “medicine time” in the AM and PM and open their mouth as though it is a treat. I also don’t know many little ones that would look as cute as he did with no hair~

Even though June 14^th was such a terrible day, filled with more emotions that I thought I had, it was a day that changed mine and Ryan’s life. However, today I look at my little (big) kid and you would never be able to tell what he has been through. He has finally caught up to his age group and is running and climbing like a champ. His once “chicks dig scars” scar is also healing and fading away. He is one amazing kid and we can’t imagine our life without him!

One last thing then I swear I am done… I just want to say thank you gain to everyone who has just showered us in love this past year. Whether it was visiting us, sending us a sweet message on FB, sending a quote to go in my jar I read constantly etc. It means more to Ryan and I than I could ever write down. Thanks for always keeping us on your mind and loving our little one so much!

Here are a few pictures from this past year

 (June 14th at Loma Linda, June 17th the day of his surgery, July 2nd his first chemo, and July 3rd coming home!
at the chemo clinic, our baby at home, starting to get hair, and our normal looking kid!)

an update... finally!!!

So let me say it again LOUD AND CLEAR... "I OFFICIALLY SUCK AT BEING A BLOGGER!!!" ha ha ha I use to be able to use the computer in front of my little guy, but for the last few months he is a crazy boy terror and if I were to try to blog with him next to me my blogs might look a lot like this... aksdjfgaklsudflsebf;aiusydfgiuabshdgkjasydfiuasdfiuahskjdl;fh 

SOOOO this has led me to not be a good blog host! lol!

 Today I find myself thinking about all the support we had and how I suck at keeping everyone updated on Dominick's progress! So here it goes, as far as cancer- he is done with Chemo hopefully for good! He has had 2 CT-Scans come back good and will (I think) just get an ultrasound done every 6 or so months for the next few years. When we "officially" get to this part he will get his line (port) taken out of his chest because it is more of a worry to have it in if it is not being used vs just taking it out. So at this point we are at the "yellow light" (one of the nurses called it a yellow light and I thought it was cute!)  He is not under the title "cancer free" but is not showing any signs of "cancer" in his test! His recovery is 3 years so at age 4 he will get his title "cancer free!" Ryan and I just hope in these 3 years he continues to do well on his tests... we don't want to be negative but there is a reason there is a 3 year "yellow light" period. Until we get the official CANCER FREE words coming out of the doctors mouth we will always have that concern in us! As far as his kidney/heart they are doing ok. His kidney should measure a little larger than it is measuring but she is not to concerned. It needs to be larger than normal but not too large. We do urine test every 6 months or so and get kidney measurements when the oncologist orders his test (every 6 months.) His heart is now being watched by his nephrologist who is doing an test on it once a heart until she is 100% confident it is good to go! He is now only on 2 meds in the AM and 2 in the PM. He is actually amazing at taking them. I just say "medicine time" and he walks over, opens his mouth, and I pour them in! (what a kid right!?) 

Since ending Chemo earlier this year we have seen eye brows, eye lashes and hair! It is amazing to see and we all just talk about his hair like it is the best thing ever!!! It has come back way lighter than it was before, but we all just love the fact he has hair blond or black! The only thing now is that when I see pictures of him with NO hair, eye lashes, or eye brows, it makes my stomach turn. I don't think I (or anyone) realized how "sick" he looked. At the time, that was the way Dominick looked. But now, looking back, he 100% looked like he had cancer. I know that sounds silly because I looked at him everyday but the comparison is what makes it more real I think! It just seems like a crazy horrible dream at this point... almost unreal! When I tell the story it is almost like I am telling someone else story. Anyways, he is the happiest little boy in the world! Here are some pictures of him with hair and with his bestie Benny!!!

As far as baby #2... We are only 7 weeks away from meeting our new bundle of joy! We are not finding out the sex and just want a healthy baby! (I know people say that but we really mean it! ha ha ha) I have started going every other week which makes it more real!!! We are excited for our family to grow and I know Dominick is going to be an amazing big brother! Lately I just want to spend as much time with Dominick as I can because I know these are the last few weeks he will be my only love bug and only child! We took some family pictures earlier this week and I will post some when I get them!

Baby #2 is still little in this picture but he/she is there!

Clearly I will NOT be making a living being a blogger anytime soon :)

A lot has happened since Halloween… DUH… but I don’t have time at this very minute to do a long update because we are back in the hospital L Baby Dominick has been having bad diarrhea since last Sunday and by the time Thursday rolled around I noticed he wasn’t peeing, which is NO GOOD when you only have 1 kidney… well I guess it is NO GOOD when you have 2 kidneys as well. So we went in to the clinic and after a full day of fluids he still was going #2 quit frequently and had still not gone pee. So, the inevitable happened and we were admitted to Loma Linda Thursday night. They were concerned for his 1 kidney because  (bear with me my nurse friends while I probably make NO sense out of what I was told) I guess when you get sick some of your not as important organs can shut down to put all of your energy in to the important ones like your heart, brain etc. So they were certain this is what happened but they wanted to monitor him to make sure his kidney started to work again. It is an understatement to say I was freaking out at the thought of his kidney not working!!! So you can imagine the sight of the first pee Friday was the most excited I will probably ever be to see pee!!!

Yesterday (Friday) he started to pee a lot and was pumped with lots of fluid to help with his dehydration caused by the diarrhea. We thought this morning was a for sure “go home” day since he had not gone #2 since yesterday morning-ish, but sure enough I was woken up at 3:45AM to the sound of Mr. Dominick going to the bathroom :/ By the time the doctor did his rounds he had already gone 4 times… keep in mind rounds are done usually around 11AM! This now has been going on for a week and the most frustrating part is that all of the tests they have run are coming back negative. Every time he goes they are running more test, but I guess as far as infection and bacteria test go there are millions (slight exaggeration) so they are narrowing them down from common to least common as far as what test to do. We are keeping our fingers crossed we get to go home Monday and that his diarrhea comes to a stop within the next 12 hours or so. I can’t imagine how he must be feeling after going so many times a day for a week now!

FUN NEWS- Today we utilized the playroom here on the oncology ward! Ryan was so excited he went straight to the tools and played there for what felt like all day. He loves tool sets and Ryan cannot wait for the day he starts to help him with ”blue” work around the house. Maybe their 1^st project will be to build me a really nice shoe rack to organize my shoes J ALSO,  Baby Dominick has learned how to “give kisses” and loves nothing more than to kiss dada and all his stuffed animals… little did we know he is kind of obsessed with himself as well! I took this video today and thought I would share J I am kind of bias but he is pretty much the cutest thing in the world!!!

Hope you enjoy and hope everyone has a great weekend ;)

WOW it has been forever!

My last post was kind of depressing so I promise to keep this one happy- Since my last post lots has happened. My little guy had his first Halloween!!! We went to the pumpkin patch, a few parties and spent Halloween day in the chemo clinic getting chemo… some might say “how sad” but the kids who had a short chemo were crying when they had to leave! All the nurses were dressed up and they had SOOO much candy for the kids- Even the kids who didn’t need chemo that day came by to trick-or-treat :)  Here are some pictures from the pumpkin patch and party and then at the clinic.

HOWEVER, with happy news must come some frustrating news… while in his 5 day chemo he got sick before day #3 of chemo. We took our little guy home Tuesday night and woke up around 3:30 to find him with a fever :/ it was 101 and we are not allowed to give him medicine at home to stop a fever and have always been told to call if he spikes a fever at home. I called and they told us to come in. But like the “broken car” you take in, this guy had NO fever when we got there- However, since he had a fever they have to keep him for 24 hours. At first Ryan and I were upset that we even took him, and hated that he was back in the hospital for no reason… UNTIL he spiked a fever of 102.5! They said they wanted to let it go to see if it would get higher. Well, it didn’t get higher but dropped back to the low 100. Then a few hours later shot up to 104.9! I was a mess!!! My poor little baby was shaking out of control and they call in many RNs and NPs to help with the situation. I have not been that scared since he went in to surgery- They gave him so much medicine, did test, and put him in isolation. His doctor said he had to go 24 hours with NO fever before they could finish out the rest of his chemo (we had 3 days left!) He had no fever Thursday-Friday so they were able to do chemo Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and we came home Monday. This was a scary hiccup in the road, but like the doctors said there was nothing Ryan or I could have done to prevent this from happening. It was bound to happen and the fact he hasn’t been back in so long was a miracle- So we are back on track for chemo this Monday November 21- While on the topic, just want to say for the millionth time thank you to everyone for the sweet comments, texts, messages etc. They really do help when we are going through a difficult time- I didn't take as many pictures as I usually do but I had this one I thought I would share, this guy is seriously so happy!

"Tears are not a sign of weakness. They're a sign that you've been strong for too long"

Just realized I have not "blogged" since my birthday :/ (I know!!!) My birthday weekend was a relaxing one. The day of my birthday I went to a 2nd bday, went to church, gave blood, and went to see 50/50. The next day (Sunday) I stayed in PJ's until I had to get ready for dinner at 4 (yes kind of embarrassing but everyone is entitled to a few good PJ days!) I have to say the movie hit home!!! I don't know if it was the best "date-night" movie, but at least he lived so it wasn't as sad as it could have been. (sorry if I just gave away the ending, I do that a lot! Whoops!) It put a funny spin on a serious condition. The part that got my tears followin' was when they rolled him in to surgery!!!!!!!!! That moment, those few seconds, was the WORST moment so far in my life- Having your child seriously ripped away from you, thinking "this could be the last time I hold him, kiss him etc." is HORRIBLE! Watching the guy and mom in the movie before surgery made those crazy emotions come flying back :/ But, I have to say it was a great movie and everyone should go see it :)

Then came Monday....... you know, regular kidney check-up for the baby. Usually the heart and kidney docs say the same thing. "everything is looking good, we will keep an eye on it." So naturally I am thinking "no big deal." WRONG WRONG WRONG! OK, well nothing horrible is wrong, I think this doctor just brought me back to reality. Lately I have been so excited we are on our FINAL stretch with Chemo and the light at the end of this twisted tunnel is getting bright and more clear- I always say "we are almost done with this whole thing!" I think I completely forgot about him only having 1 kidney. I think everyone forgets- Everyone always says "when is chemo done, when are you guys going to be done with everything?" Well the answer to that is NEVER! Him having 1 kidney is and isn't a big deal. He has to be closely followed by the kidney Dr and have regular test done to make sure the kidney is bigger than normal (to pump for 2) but not too big (over working itself)- This is also a crucial time to see if it will do its job while he grows so fast the next few years. So my obvious assumption is we are in the clear after that- NOPE, the next crucial phase will be when he goes through puberty- PUBERTY! Do you know how far away that is? I know I am so blessed that this is the only thing I have to worry about, it just puts a damper in your day/week when you didn't really think about it- 

So, Ryan and I always said we will have baby #2 when Dominick is healthy and I can have enough emotional energy to be pregnant. Well, going to this appointment made me think baby #2 should not even be a thought until D is 18! :/ OK, so obviously I am not going to have another baby in 18 years, but it was just something else we never thought about- I guess with this kind of situation, you just live your life and what happens will happen, and with that comes the possibility of being pregnant while living in a hospital and/or dragging your newborn to all kinds of doctors appointments for his/her big brother- We do say it would be hard, but who's life is easy?

OK, now that I feel emotionally exhausted from just writing this, let me have my vent... or this is your time to stop reading :) This past week I have just felt so depressed- I think I have this stress thing figured out, when you are in a stressful situation you go in survival mode- There are seriously weeks I don't cry or shed a tear. I just know everything will be fine and he is fine and nothing is wrong and we are a normal family, taking your kid to chemo is normal, medicine all the time are normal etc. Then all of the sudden, the reality smack hits ya! NO SARAH, this much medicine is not normal, your baby takes more medicine than your father with heart problems, your baby goes to CHEMO, ... chemotherapy for cancer, CHEMO like the kind you see on movies and older people get, your baby has no hair because the poison in his body made it fall out, carrying a thermometer in your diaper bag and checking his temp when he feels a little hot is not normal, venturing to another city and wondering if something happens where is the nearest hospital is not normal etc. These thoughts just fill my head so fast I have moments of complete breakdown! Everyone thinks I am fine, which most of the time I am, but I am human and I am a mother, so of course I have horrible panic attacks and cry out of nowhere! Just for some reason reality hit hard these last few weeks. With these attacks of reality comes the guilt all over again. I look at pictures when he was 5ish months and seriously think "what kind of mother thinks he looks normal? What kind of horrible mom doesn't realize he looks so uncomfortable? What kind of mother thinks it is OK to look so swollen?" These thoughts go on and on. Sometimes I just think it is unfair to him that I" If there is anything I can share now is as a mother, if you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, that you know it is but because your not a doctor you don't fight for what you truly believe, what I learned is you do fight for your kid. You are the voice for your child- So, all you moms, dads, whoever, if you think it you are probably right!

Anyways, I know this whole thing is not my fault, it is just hard sometimes to still believe it- OK, enough of the crying for me... just thought I would vent and let the world know I am not as strong as most of you think- I do have many weak moments and these past few weeks have been tough on me- Thank you all for the continuous support and love through everything~

One of my favorite pictures :)

reflection of my life thus far...

So today I have done a lot of reflecting of my life since tomorrow is my birthday. I thought about how fast time has FLOWN by and all that I have done. Ten years ago I was about to turn the BIG “18” and threatened my mom “if you don’t take me to get my belly button pierced I can legally go tomorrow.” My mom took me because she wanted to sign for something for the last time! I remember the day like it was yesterday! We went and Brenna met us after she got off work at “The Deli.” (side note, that place is amazing!) Like everyone else that turns 18, you think you know everything and that you have life figured out! Well Blog flowerers this could not be more UN-true! You are still a baby at 18! Anyways, I turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year. No clubbing for me because I was one of the first ones so nothing really changed in my life- I LOVED my senior year and was sad to leave Etiwanda. I remember thinking when I left “how is Etiwanda going to function without me and my friends?” ha ha ha Senior year was filled with boy drama, parties, girl drama, parties, and sometimes (mom look away) forging my mom’s signature for an off campus pass… don’t judge I still managed to graduate people! I always think “how did everyone always know about house parties before myspace and facebook?” O ya, PAGERS! Ha ha ha I can proudly say MY generation invented the text messaging via pager code 43770!!!!! (ok so the number text has changed in the past 10 years but if you were legit you will figure it out!) I didn’t take it all in at the time, but that was one of the best times of my life-

To sum up the next 9 years after, I went to college, lived with friends, joined AXO, graduated college, got a teaching credential etc. In between all of those was a DAMN good time! Then I met a certain guy named Ryan Gonzales. He changed my life forever! NOTHING could have prepared me for who I was going to meet on my “man-hunt” that night- He was such an amazing person from the second we met- He is so thoughtful and showed me how I was suppose to be treated. You could say we were attached at the hip since we met and got engaged 9 months later! “and between me and you, him owning a boat might have helped seal the deal!” ha ha ha just kidding… kinda… J  I feel in love, got married a year and a half later, had a baby a year and a half after that and could not be more blessed with my life-  I remember thinking when I turned 18, and again when I graduated HS, about the next 10 years and what my life would be like. It is not the image I imagined but whose is. I didn’t think I would marry after such a short time of knowing someone and I definitely didn’t think I would meet him in a bar, I didn’t think I wouldn’t have an amazing job by now, I thought I would have more kids by now, and I for sure NEVER thought I would be facing the challenges of being a parent of a child with cancer! HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD… Ok let’s be honest it would be nice to go back and try a little harder and get better grades (yes I said it mom & dad!) J  Let me just say this, I am blessed not to have a major career right now (clearly), I am beyond blessed Ryan wanted to marry me and even more blessed for my precious baby boy-Ryan made my life complete and the baby was a bonus. They are truly the 2 loves of my life and safe to say the best 2 things to enter my life these past 10 years- Many people say to me “Dominick is so lucky and blessed to have parents like you.” Ryan will say “Dominick is so lucky to have you with him all day every day.”  To both of those I say I am the lucky one. I am so lucky he is MY son, I am so lucky I am able to stay home with him and I think of myself as the lucky one. This little baby has taught me to love life and not take it for granted. He has taught me to love stronger, hug tighter, and to really live life to the fullest.

 I think now at 18 +10 (my computer just can’t write that # :/)  I have figured out the secret to life. It is all about LOVE! I am beyond blessed for my family and I think the older you get, the more you realize how much they mean to you-  I really do have an amazing family! And not to mention how fun it is to have Benny and Dominick grow up together J I also have amazing friends I can always count on. I met new ones, lost good ones, and held on to the old ones- As sad as losing a best friend can be, finding who the true ones are is so rewarding- And above all else, I have the best husband and son anyone could ask for! Ryan is my rock and keeps me grounded and both of my boys happiness gives me a reason to smile everyday-

To wrap it up, I can’t believe how amazing these past ten years have been. Even though I miss the HELL out of High School and the fun times of college , living with friends and in the sorority house ( and to be honest doing my hair and make-up every day), I wouldn’t trade my ‘wearing PJs all day, stay at home date nights with the hubs’ for anything. Ryan and I have been on a crazy ride the past 3 years since we met and I can’t imagine having to do any of it without him. He is my rock and my better half. If history repeats itself our life will only get crazier… but I wouldn’t have it any other way… if the next 10 is as good as this last 10 I say “BRING ON THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!”

Here are some random pictures from the last ten years J enjoy!

my life in HS

Graduated with these people...

Turned 21 with Brenny :)

Lived with her...

then her... 

 Joined with them...

then lived here... (sorry its blurry!)

did some crazy things and went to some crazy parties

 fell in love with this guy

married him...

 still having fun with these girls

Had a baby

My new "Friday/Saturday" night plans :)

 My world :)