"Tears are not a sign of weakness. They're a sign that you've been strong for too long"

Just realized I have not "blogged" since my birthday :/ (I know!!!) My birthday weekend was a relaxing one. The day of my birthday I went to a 2nd bday, went to church, gave blood, and went to see 50/50. The next day (Sunday) I stayed in PJ's until I had to get ready for dinner at 4 (yes kind of embarrassing but everyone is entitled to a few good PJ days!) I have to say the movie hit home!!! I don't know if it was the best "date-night" movie, but at least he lived so it wasn't as sad as it could have been. (sorry if I just gave away the ending, I do that a lot! Whoops!) It put a funny spin on a serious condition. The part that got my tears followin' was when they rolled him in to surgery!!!!!!!!! That moment, those few seconds, was the WORST moment so far in my life- Having your child seriously ripped away from you, thinking "this could be the last time I hold him, kiss him etc." is HORRIBLE! Watching the guy and mom in the movie before surgery made those crazy emotions come flying back :/ But, I have to say it was a great movie and everyone should go see it :)

Then came Monday....... you know, regular kidney check-up for the baby. Usually the heart and kidney docs say the same thing. "everything is looking good, we will keep an eye on it." So naturally I am thinking "no big deal." WRONG WRONG WRONG! OK, well nothing horrible is wrong, I think this doctor just brought me back to reality. Lately I have been so excited we are on our FINAL stretch with Chemo and the light at the end of this twisted tunnel is getting bright and more clear- I always say "we are almost done with this whole thing!" I think I completely forgot about him only having 1 kidney. I think everyone forgets- Everyone always says "when is chemo done, when are you guys going to be done with everything?" Well the answer to that is NEVER! Him having 1 kidney is and isn't a big deal. He has to be closely followed by the kidney Dr and have regular test done to make sure the kidney is bigger than normal (to pump for 2) but not too big (over working itself)- This is also a crucial time to see if it will do its job while he grows so fast the next few years. So my obvious assumption is we are in the clear after that- NOPE, the next crucial phase will be when he goes through puberty- PUBERTY! Do you know how far away that is? I know I am so blessed that this is the only thing I have to worry about, it just puts a damper in your day/week when you didn't really think about it- 

So, Ryan and I always said we will have baby #2 when Dominick is healthy and I can have enough emotional energy to be pregnant. Well, going to this appointment made me think baby #2 should not even be a thought until D is 18! :/ OK, so obviously I am not going to have another baby in 18 years, but it was just something else we never thought about- I guess with this kind of situation, you just live your life and what happens will happen, and with that comes the possibility of being pregnant while living in a hospital and/or dragging your newborn to all kinds of doctors appointments for his/her big brother- We do say it would be hard, but who's life is easy?

OK, now that I feel emotionally exhausted from just writing this, let me have my vent... or this is your time to stop reading :) This past week I have just felt so depressed- I think I have this stress thing figured out, when you are in a stressful situation you go in survival mode- There are seriously weeks I don't cry or shed a tear. I just know everything will be fine and he is fine and nothing is wrong and we are a normal family, taking your kid to chemo is normal, medicine all the time are normal etc. Then all of the sudden, the reality smack hits ya! NO SARAH, this much medicine is not normal, your baby takes more medicine than your father with heart problems, your baby goes to CHEMO, ... chemotherapy for cancer, CHEMO like the kind you see on movies and older people get, your baby has no hair because the poison in his body made it fall out, carrying a thermometer in your diaper bag and checking his temp when he feels a little hot is not normal, venturing to another city and wondering if something happens where is the nearest hospital is not normal etc. These thoughts just fill my head so fast I have moments of complete breakdown! Everyone thinks I am fine, which most of the time I am, but I am human and I am a mother, so of course I have horrible panic attacks and cry out of nowhere! Just for some reason reality hit hard these last few weeks. With these attacks of reality comes the guilt all over again. I look at pictures when he was 5ish months and seriously think "what kind of mother thinks he looks normal? What kind of horrible mom doesn't realize he looks so uncomfortable? What kind of mother thinks it is OK to look so swollen?" These thoughts go on and on. Sometimes I just think it is unfair to him that I" If there is anything I can share now is as a mother, if you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, that you know it is but because your not a doctor you don't fight for what you truly believe, what I learned is you do fight for your kid. You are the voice for your child- So, all you moms, dads, whoever, if you think it you are probably right!

Anyways, I know this whole thing is not my fault, it is just hard sometimes to still believe it- OK, enough of the crying for me... just thought I would vent and let the world know I am not as strong as most of you think- I do have many weak moments and these past few weeks have been tough on me- Thank you all for the continuous support and love through everything~

One of my favorite pictures :)

reflection of my life thus far...

So today I have done a lot of reflecting of my life since tomorrow is my birthday. I thought about how fast time has FLOWN by and all that I have done. Ten years ago I was about to turn the BIG “18” and threatened my mom “if you don’t take me to get my belly button pierced I can legally go tomorrow.” My mom took me because she wanted to sign for something for the last time! I remember the day like it was yesterday! We went and Brenna met us after she got off work at “The Deli.” (side note, that place is amazing!) Like everyone else that turns 18, you think you know everything and that you have life figured out! Well Blog flowerers this could not be more UN-true! You are still a baby at 18! Anyways, I turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year. No clubbing for me because I was one of the first ones so nothing really changed in my life- I LOVED my senior year and was sad to leave Etiwanda. I remember thinking when I left “how is Etiwanda going to function without me and my friends?” ha ha ha Senior year was filled with boy drama, parties, girl drama, parties, and sometimes (mom look away) forging my mom’s signature for an off campus pass… don’t judge I still managed to graduate people! I always think “how did everyone always know about house parties before myspace and facebook?” O ya, PAGERS! Ha ha ha I can proudly say MY generation invented the text messaging via pager code 43770!!!!! (ok so the number text has changed in the past 10 years but if you were legit you will figure it out!) I didn’t take it all in at the time, but that was one of the best times of my life-

To sum up the next 9 years after, I went to college, lived with friends, joined AXO, graduated college, got a teaching credential etc. In between all of those was a DAMN good time! Then I met a certain guy named Ryan Gonzales. He changed my life forever! NOTHING could have prepared me for who I was going to meet on my “man-hunt” that night- He was such an amazing person from the second we met- He is so thoughtful and showed me how I was suppose to be treated. You could say we were attached at the hip since we met and got engaged 9 months later! “and between me and you, him owning a boat might have helped seal the deal!” ha ha ha just kidding… kinda… J  I feel in love, got married a year and a half later, had a baby a year and a half after that and could not be more blessed with my life-  I remember thinking when I turned 18, and again when I graduated HS, about the next 10 years and what my life would be like. It is not the image I imagined but whose is. I didn’t think I would marry after such a short time of knowing someone and I definitely didn’t think I would meet him in a bar, I didn’t think I wouldn’t have an amazing job by now, I thought I would have more kids by now, and I for sure NEVER thought I would be facing the challenges of being a parent of a child with cancer! HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD… Ok let’s be honest it would be nice to go back and try a little harder and get better grades (yes I said it mom & dad!) J  Let me just say this, I am blessed not to have a major career right now (clearly), I am beyond blessed Ryan wanted to marry me and even more blessed for my precious baby boy-Ryan made my life complete and the baby was a bonus. They are truly the 2 loves of my life and safe to say the best 2 things to enter my life these past 10 years- Many people say to me “Dominick is so lucky and blessed to have parents like you.” Ryan will say “Dominick is so lucky to have you with him all day every day.”  To both of those I say I am the lucky one. I am so lucky he is MY son, I am so lucky I am able to stay home with him and I think of myself as the lucky one. This little baby has taught me to love life and not take it for granted. He has taught me to love stronger, hug tighter, and to really live life to the fullest.

 I think now at 18 +10 (my computer just can’t write that # :/)  I have figured out the secret to life. It is all about LOVE! I am beyond blessed for my family and I think the older you get, the more you realize how much they mean to you-  I really do have an amazing family! And not to mention how fun it is to have Benny and Dominick grow up together J I also have amazing friends I can always count on. I met new ones, lost good ones, and held on to the old ones- As sad as losing a best friend can be, finding who the true ones are is so rewarding- And above all else, I have the best husband and son anyone could ask for! Ryan is my rock and keeps me grounded and both of my boys happiness gives me a reason to smile everyday-

To wrap it up, I can’t believe how amazing these past ten years have been. Even though I miss the HELL out of High School and the fun times of college , living with friends and in the sorority house ( and to be honest doing my hair and make-up every day), I wouldn’t trade my ‘wearing PJs all day, stay at home date nights with the hubs’ for anything. Ryan and I have been on a crazy ride the past 3 years since we met and I can’t imagine having to do any of it without him. He is my rock and my better half. If history repeats itself our life will only get crazier… but I wouldn’t have it any other way… if the next 10 is as good as this last 10 I say “BRING ON THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!”

Here are some random pictures from the last ten years J enjoy!

my life in HS

Graduated with these people...

Turned 21 with Brenny :)

Lived with her...

then her... 

 Joined with them...

then lived here... (sorry its blurry!)

did some crazy things and went to some crazy parties

 fell in love with this guy

married him...

 still having fun with these girls

Had a baby

My new "Friday/Saturday" night plans :)

 My world :)

This week...

So, as many of you know and some of your don't, this week we did a 5 day chemotherapy through the clinic. What does this mean most of you say? Let me break it down :) This certain chemo is given over 5 days and anywhere from 6-8 hours. Last time we had a 5 day in a row chemotherapy we went to the hospital because I didn't know if I could do it in the clinic. What's a clinic? The clinic is where Dominick sees the doctor every week and gets his weekly fast chemo. In the clinic they have rooms for kids that get other things done and they have a transfusion room. It looks just like the one my grandma sat it. It is a huge room with big chairs that you sit in with your machine next to you. They have a playroom, the wii, games, TV etc, the only thing with Dominick is he is to young to use any of the "fun" things at chemo. This is what it looks like...

We started Monday with lots of anxiety but it wasn't as bad as we thought. There are so many wonderful families that come in and out, and the staff is amazing. It is funny, because you can relate to all of these parents, and they kind of become your friends. All the kids start to get to know each other and I must say all the little girls love them some Dominick :) There was one little girl crying one day before she had to get accessed and all she wanted was to "Say hi to baby Dominick first." So, sure enough, the nurse let her come over and say hi, then she let them stick her with the needle! It was pretty cute- So our typical day went like this, Ryan came with me bright and early and my mom would come around 12:30, bring me lunch, and stay with us until we were done. We would leave anywhere from 2-3:30. HOWEVER, on Friday we didn't leave until 4:45 because little D needed a blood transfusion and those take 3 hours! Not only does it take forever, but blood scares me. I had to sign forms that would make any normal mother a panicked wreck! It is one of those things where you know they need it, but it is still hard to sign and go through with it... kind of how this whole process has been! Friday I would have to say my mom gets the gold star :) She sat with me ALL day. She had planned on leaving but when she saw I was going to loose my mind with the blood situation she said she would stay. What an amazing mother I have! Even though the situation was not normal, I still took some pictures because this is still his baby memories and what will be in his baby book :) Here are a few!

Just my FamBam hanging out in a chemo clinic... totally normal right?

After the crazy week, and the even harder day I came home to NO HUBBY!!! He said he had to go back to work :( Then he pulled up in this pretty thang...

 

We have been talking about trading in 2, out of the 3, cars we own and getting a new (new to us) car that would carry a baby (and baby #2 when we have one) and could also tow a boat. Right now we have a car JUST for the baby and one JUST for the boat. Yes, this sounds pretty simple, but we still just have not done it. Behind my back, this guy had been on Carmax's web everyday and calling around to find deals. Every time he found one and would nonchalantly run it by me, the car would be gone! So he found one, liked it, and made it my early birthday present! I was only asking for a necklace, but it is safe to say the car is better than any necklace :) This was an amazing ending to a hard week!

Does this look like a baby in CHEMO???

My happy little buddy today.... pretty much laughing for no reason :) Next week we start another round of 5 day/ 6 hour a day chemo :(  I am going to try going to the clinic where we get his other chemo treatments, because this way ryan can still see us with his work. It is a hard decision, but I am going to try and tough it out for Ryan- So hopefully he stays crazy and happy for mama and dada- Anyways, here is my little CHEMO WARRIOR :)

seriously how cute is this guy!!!!!!

This weekend...

This past weekend was so much fun! On Saturday we went to a birthday party, which I LOVE birthdays, and it was one of the best decorated ones I have been too- Mama Mallory was such a good host... pizza, beer, and cake-pops... umm, hello that always equals a good time :) She also had the BEST "goody bags" for the kiddos, meaning they were so age appropriate. Dominick's bag (because I don't know if they were different) had bubbles, a baby book, and best of all baby food- I mean, seriously perfect bag for a 8month old...... and not to mention the bag itself is now one of Dominick's toys, don't know if that was done on purpose, but it is an adorable bag!

I didn't take any pictures :( but here is the lady-bug bag, with each kids name on front!

Then later that night, Bethy, Folkert and Bennys came out! We all decided to jump in the pool. Since Dominick hadn’t had Chemotherapy for 2 weeks, he was able to get in the pool, and LOVED IT!!!! It was so fun to see how much he loves the water. I know he LOVED the bath, but this took it to a WHOLE new level. He is my little swimmer for sure! Also, since he hadn’t had Chemotherapy in so long we decided to do “Bathy Time” with the boys… SOOOOO CUTE! I can’t wait until they are able to play with each other in the tub-  We ended the night with amazing burgers and hot dogs courtesy of my husband’s remarkable BBQing skills- YUM-O!

POOL TIME- 1st fam bam picture in the pool and then one of the boys!
"Bathy Time" then play time for the cousins

Then came Sunday... Let me just say this… Ryan and I were, and still are, overwhelmed with how many people came out. We knew it would be a little crowded but O MY GOSH we had no idea that many people would come. It was incredible to see so many faces; family from all over CA, old friends, new friends, FB friends etc J We can’t say thank you enough for everyone spending their Sunday with us. Just when you think the world is a crazy place, you are quickly reminded there are still many good people out there. I was amazed with how generous people were, and on top of it people who didn’t even know us but came because they heard. When I turned around, and would see a little gold bracelet on so many people’s wrist, it would seriously take my breath away. I think sometimes I forget this whole ordeal is happening to me, but when I sit down and think about it, it is scary the road we have ahead, but then I remember all the people that are behind us to help us with anything we may need and it eases my anxiety and nerves. Thanks again for all the support and love, thanks for the texts, emails, facebook messages, cards etc. None of that will ever get old to my little family and I can’t express how much the kind words lift our spirits when we have our down days. Thanks again seriously over and over to everyone who came………….. and a special shout out thank you to my parents, Ryan’s mom, Robert and Larry, the whole Abriel Family, and everyone who donated something for us to use Sunday. Everything got used and many people left with amazing gifts-  

"tougher than I look" Our little hero :)



Us before... and CLEARLY us after!

Such a GOOD Day!

Today so many amazing things went well for Dominick. We were in the car so much today and not a peep from him. I think he is starting to like his new big boy car seat (thank goodness because the screaming every time we get in the car was getting a little old! :) Then we had him on the floor and FINALLY he is starting to go back and forth on his right side. Since his operation (on his right side) he has only rolled to the left... but not today friends, he is going both ways, front to back and back to front! For those of you that don't have kids I know this sounds super LAME, but it is really exciting I swear! Then for dinner my battle with baby food continued... until he actually ate some! I battle my child every morning and night, but since they say it is mostly bottle still, I don't bug him too much because I feel like I bug him enough trying to give him his meds! I simply insist on one small bite in the morning and one at night. This is my theory with food: I just keep offering, letting it be known it is not just going to leave, and my plan is hopefully he will just come around to liking it. And by the grace of the baby food god he actually had more than he has ever had :) Another amazing thing is today he didn't spit out ANY of his medicine! I think he is starting to accept the fact that no matter how much he throws himself around, I have back-up to help me, and I will win. (hopefully this is a lesson he learns now and NEVER forgets! ha ha ha) lastly he is sound asleep while I wait up for Ryan to get home. Maybe with such an amazing day we will all get a good nights sleep..... HA HA HA wishful thinking people!!!

In his cute new hat (from auntie Amanda), Dominicks 1st sucker at the doctors,
1st time in his big boy car set, and Dominicks favorite toy (don't mind the boxes, it helps him run around!)

just for fun

I always post about the baby updates and ever thought there is nothing wrong with that, today thanks to Nicole and her CONSTANT updates and fun thoughts I thought I would do a fun blog entry-

So today is about……. Ummm, today J My hubby and brother have been working on a BBQ for the back of my parents house. It is HUGE and I can’t wait to use it. Hopefully it will be done by Labor day and we will break it in and BBQ some meat and poor some beer. Ooo, sorry I said BBQ I meant an outside bar! This thing is HUGE with a 3 handle tap. It will be amazing when and if it is ever done J We also went to home depot and tried picking out tile. Home depot gives me anxiety and it is so expensive everything I like cost so much that it is pointless for me to be involved in any decision making for house hold items. HOWEVER, even though it is not my favorite place, I went with the baby and we hung out while the rest of the family discussed “tile.”  The longer the baby and I did laps, the more I started to enjoy the store. The only problem is I am an impulse shopper and find things I “can’t live without!” I feel like if I had a lot of money I would re-do my house all the time! How do you make a decision on tile! Or paint? It was like picking baby names all over again… so walking away on laps the baby and I went J

When we got home we had lunch and someone was sooooo fussy! Yet, Ryan had a lot of work to do so he pushed through an started working J Then my other baby got fussy so it was the fight of the day “nap-time.” I started reflecting on how much work I go through to get this guy to take a nap. As I was walking, bouncing, swaying, singing etc, I thought how nice that would be if someone tried that hard to get me to sleep every night! Ha ha ha Can you imagine? It would be amazing J Anyways, this is what my fam bam did today and I thought I would share our not-so-fun fun day~

Thought I would share a 4th of July pic... not the best one of the fam bam but I had to show-case our matchy outfits :) (poor ryan for always having to wear such "themed" things for me!)