Clearly I will NOT be making a living being a blogger anytime soon :)

A lot has happened since Halloween… DUH… but I don’t have time at this very minute to do a long update because we are back in the hospital L Baby Dominick has been having bad diarrhea since last Sunday and by the time Thursday rolled around I noticed he wasn’t peeing, which is NO GOOD when you only have 1 kidney… well I guess it is NO GOOD when you have 2 kidneys as well. So we went in to the clinic and after a full day of fluids he still was going #2 quit frequently and had still not gone pee. So, the inevitable happened and we were admitted to Loma Linda Thursday night. They were concerned for his 1 kidney because  (bear with me my nurse friends while I probably make NO sense out of what I was told) I guess when you get sick some of your not as important organs can shut down to put all of your energy in to the important ones like your heart, brain etc. So they were certain this is what happened but they wanted to monitor him to make sure his kidney started to work again. It is an understatement to say I was freaking out at the thought of his kidney not working!!! So you can imagine the sight of the first pee Friday was the most excited I will probably ever be to see pee!!!

Yesterday (Friday) he started to pee a lot and was pumped with lots of fluid to help with his dehydration caused by the diarrhea. We thought this morning was a for sure “go home” day since he had not gone #2 since yesterday morning-ish, but sure enough I was woken up at 3:45AM to the sound of Mr. Dominick going to the bathroom :/ By the time the doctor did his rounds he had already gone 4 times… keep in mind rounds are done usually around 11AM! This now has been going on for a week and the most frustrating part is that all of the tests they have run are coming back negative. Every time he goes they are running more test, but I guess as far as infection and bacteria test go there are millions (slight exaggeration) so they are narrowing them down from common to least common as far as what test to do. We are keeping our fingers crossed we get to go home Monday and that his diarrhea comes to a stop within the next 12 hours or so. I can’t imagine how he must be feeling after going so many times a day for a week now!

FUN NEWS- Today we utilized the playroom here on the oncology ward! Ryan was so excited he went straight to the tools and played there for what felt like all day. He loves tool sets and Ryan cannot wait for the day he starts to help him with ”blue” work around the house. Maybe their 1^st project will be to build me a really nice shoe rack to organize my shoes J ALSO,  Baby Dominick has learned how to “give kisses” and loves nothing more than to kiss dada and all his stuffed animals… little did we know he is kind of obsessed with himself as well! I took this video today and thought I would share J I am kind of bias but he is pretty much the cutest thing in the world!!!

Hope you enjoy and hope everyone has a great weekend ;)

WOW it has been forever!

My last post was kind of depressing so I promise to keep this one happy- Since my last post lots has happened. My little guy had his first Halloween!!! We went to the pumpkin patch, a few parties and spent Halloween day in the chemo clinic getting chemo… some might say “how sad” but the kids who had a short chemo were crying when they had to leave! All the nurses were dressed up and they had SOOO much candy for the kids- Even the kids who didn’t need chemo that day came by to trick-or-treat :)  Here are some pictures from the pumpkin patch and party and then at the clinic.

HOWEVER, with happy news must come some frustrating news… while in his 5 day chemo he got sick before day #3 of chemo. We took our little guy home Tuesday night and woke up around 3:30 to find him with a fever :/ it was 101 and we are not allowed to give him medicine at home to stop a fever and have always been told to call if he spikes a fever at home. I called and they told us to come in. But like the “broken car” you take in, this guy had NO fever when we got there- However, since he had a fever they have to keep him for 24 hours. At first Ryan and I were upset that we even took him, and hated that he was back in the hospital for no reason… UNTIL he spiked a fever of 102.5! They said they wanted to let it go to see if it would get higher. Well, it didn’t get higher but dropped back to the low 100. Then a few hours later shot up to 104.9! I was a mess!!! My poor little baby was shaking out of control and they call in many RNs and NPs to help with the situation. I have not been that scared since he went in to surgery- They gave him so much medicine, did test, and put him in isolation. His doctor said he had to go 24 hours with NO fever before they could finish out the rest of his chemo (we had 3 days left!) He had no fever Thursday-Friday so they were able to do chemo Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and we came home Monday. This was a scary hiccup in the road, but like the doctors said there was nothing Ryan or I could have done to prevent this from happening. It was bound to happen and the fact he hasn’t been back in so long was a miracle- So we are back on track for chemo this Monday November 21- While on the topic, just want to say for the millionth time thank you to everyone for the sweet comments, texts, messages etc. They really do help when we are going through a difficult time- I didn't take as many pictures as I usually do but I had this one I thought I would share, this guy is seriously so happy!

"Tears are not a sign of weakness. They're a sign that you've been strong for too long"

Just realized I have not "blogged" since my birthday :/ (I know!!!) My birthday weekend was a relaxing one. The day of my birthday I went to a 2nd bday, went to church, gave blood, and went to see 50/50. The next day (Sunday) I stayed in PJ's until I had to get ready for dinner at 4 (yes kind of embarrassing but everyone is entitled to a few good PJ days!) I have to say the movie hit home!!! I don't know if it was the best "date-night" movie, but at least he lived so it wasn't as sad as it could have been. (sorry if I just gave away the ending, I do that a lot! Whoops!) It put a funny spin on a serious condition. The part that got my tears followin' was when they rolled him in to surgery!!!!!!!!! That moment, those few seconds, was the WORST moment so far in my life- Having your child seriously ripped away from you, thinking "this could be the last time I hold him, kiss him etc." is HORRIBLE! Watching the guy and mom in the movie before surgery made those crazy emotions come flying back :/ But, I have to say it was a great movie and everyone should go see it :)

Then came Monday....... you know, regular kidney check-up for the baby. Usually the heart and kidney docs say the same thing. "everything is looking good, we will keep an eye on it." So naturally I am thinking "no big deal." WRONG WRONG WRONG! OK, well nothing horrible is wrong, I think this doctor just brought me back to reality. Lately I have been so excited we are on our FINAL stretch with Chemo and the light at the end of this twisted tunnel is getting bright and more clear- I always say "we are almost done with this whole thing!" I think I completely forgot about him only having 1 kidney. I think everyone forgets- Everyone always says "when is chemo done, when are you guys going to be done with everything?" Well the answer to that is NEVER! Him having 1 kidney is and isn't a big deal. He has to be closely followed by the kidney Dr and have regular test done to make sure the kidney is bigger than normal (to pump for 2) but not too big (over working itself)- This is also a crucial time to see if it will do its job while he grows so fast the next few years. So my obvious assumption is we are in the clear after that- NOPE, the next crucial phase will be when he goes through puberty- PUBERTY! Do you know how far away that is? I know I am so blessed that this is the only thing I have to worry about, it just puts a damper in your day/week when you didn't really think about it- 

So, Ryan and I always said we will have baby #2 when Dominick is healthy and I can have enough emotional energy to be pregnant. Well, going to this appointment made me think baby #2 should not even be a thought until D is 18! :/ OK, so obviously I am not going to have another baby in 18 years, but it was just something else we never thought about- I guess with this kind of situation, you just live your life and what happens will happen, and with that comes the possibility of being pregnant while living in a hospital and/or dragging your newborn to all kinds of doctors appointments for his/her big brother- We do say it would be hard, but who's life is easy?

OK, now that I feel emotionally exhausted from just writing this, let me have my vent... or this is your time to stop reading :) This past week I have just felt so depressed- I think I have this stress thing figured out, when you are in a stressful situation you go in survival mode- There are seriously weeks I don't cry or shed a tear. I just know everything will be fine and he is fine and nothing is wrong and we are a normal family, taking your kid to chemo is normal, medicine all the time are normal etc. Then all of the sudden, the reality smack hits ya! NO SARAH, this much medicine is not normal, your baby takes more medicine than your father with heart problems, your baby goes to CHEMO, ... chemotherapy for cancer, CHEMO like the kind you see on movies and older people get, your baby has no hair because the poison in his body made it fall out, carrying a thermometer in your diaper bag and checking his temp when he feels a little hot is not normal, venturing to another city and wondering if something happens where is the nearest hospital is not normal etc. These thoughts just fill my head so fast I have moments of complete breakdown! Everyone thinks I am fine, which most of the time I am, but I am human and I am a mother, so of course I have horrible panic attacks and cry out of nowhere! Just for some reason reality hit hard these last few weeks. With these attacks of reality comes the guilt all over again. I look at pictures when he was 5ish months and seriously think "what kind of mother thinks he looks normal? What kind of horrible mom doesn't realize he looks so uncomfortable? What kind of mother thinks it is OK to look so swollen?" These thoughts go on and on. Sometimes I just think it is unfair to him that I" If there is anything I can share now is as a mother, if you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, that you know it is but because your not a doctor you don't fight for what you truly believe, what I learned is you do fight for your kid. You are the voice for your child- So, all you moms, dads, whoever, if you think it you are probably right!

Anyways, I know this whole thing is not my fault, it is just hard sometimes to still believe it- OK, enough of the crying for me... just thought I would vent and let the world know I am not as strong as most of you think- I do have many weak moments and these past few weeks have been tough on me- Thank you all for the continuous support and love through everything~

One of my favorite pictures :)

reflection of my life thus far...

So today I have done a lot of reflecting of my life since tomorrow is my birthday. I thought about how fast time has FLOWN by and all that I have done. Ten years ago I was about to turn the BIG “18” and threatened my mom “if you don’t take me to get my belly button pierced I can legally go tomorrow.” My mom took me because she wanted to sign for something for the last time! I remember the day like it was yesterday! We went and Brenna met us after she got off work at “The Deli.” (side note, that place is amazing!) Like everyone else that turns 18, you think you know everything and that you have life figured out! Well Blog flowerers this could not be more UN-true! You are still a baby at 18! Anyways, I turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year. No clubbing for me because I was one of the first ones so nothing really changed in my life- I LOVED my senior year and was sad to leave Etiwanda. I remember thinking when I left “how is Etiwanda going to function without me and my friends?” ha ha ha Senior year was filled with boy drama, parties, girl drama, parties, and sometimes (mom look away) forging my mom’s signature for an off campus pass… don’t judge I still managed to graduate people! I always think “how did everyone always know about house parties before myspace and facebook?” O ya, PAGERS! Ha ha ha I can proudly say MY generation invented the text messaging via pager code 43770!!!!! (ok so the number text has changed in the past 10 years but if you were legit you will figure it out!) I didn’t take it all in at the time, but that was one of the best times of my life-

To sum up the next 9 years after, I went to college, lived with friends, joined AXO, graduated college, got a teaching credential etc. In between all of those was a DAMN good time! Then I met a certain guy named Ryan Gonzales. He changed my life forever! NOTHING could have prepared me for who I was going to meet on my “man-hunt” that night- He was such an amazing person from the second we met- He is so thoughtful and showed me how I was suppose to be treated. You could say we were attached at the hip since we met and got engaged 9 months later! “and between me and you, him owning a boat might have helped seal the deal!” ha ha ha just kidding… kinda… J  I feel in love, got married a year and a half later, had a baby a year and a half after that and could not be more blessed with my life-  I remember thinking when I turned 18, and again when I graduated HS, about the next 10 years and what my life would be like. It is not the image I imagined but whose is. I didn’t think I would marry after such a short time of knowing someone and I definitely didn’t think I would meet him in a bar, I didn’t think I wouldn’t have an amazing job by now, I thought I would have more kids by now, and I for sure NEVER thought I would be facing the challenges of being a parent of a child with cancer! HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD… Ok let’s be honest it would be nice to go back and try a little harder and get better grades (yes I said it mom & dad!) J  Let me just say this, I am blessed not to have a major career right now (clearly), I am beyond blessed Ryan wanted to marry me and even more blessed for my precious baby boy-Ryan made my life complete and the baby was a bonus. They are truly the 2 loves of my life and safe to say the best 2 things to enter my life these past 10 years- Many people say to me “Dominick is so lucky and blessed to have parents like you.” Ryan will say “Dominick is so lucky to have you with him all day every day.”  To both of those I say I am the lucky one. I am so lucky he is MY son, I am so lucky I am able to stay home with him and I think of myself as the lucky one. This little baby has taught me to love life and not take it for granted. He has taught me to love stronger, hug tighter, and to really live life to the fullest.

 I think now at 18 +10 (my computer just can’t write that # :/)  I have figured out the secret to life. It is all about LOVE! I am beyond blessed for my family and I think the older you get, the more you realize how much they mean to you-  I really do have an amazing family! And not to mention how fun it is to have Benny and Dominick grow up together J I also have amazing friends I can always count on. I met new ones, lost good ones, and held on to the old ones- As sad as losing a best friend can be, finding who the true ones are is so rewarding- And above all else, I have the best husband and son anyone could ask for! Ryan is my rock and keeps me grounded and both of my boys happiness gives me a reason to smile everyday-

To wrap it up, I can’t believe how amazing these past ten years have been. Even though I miss the HELL out of High School and the fun times of college , living with friends and in the sorority house ( and to be honest doing my hair and make-up every day), I wouldn’t trade my ‘wearing PJs all day, stay at home date nights with the hubs’ for anything. Ryan and I have been on a crazy ride the past 3 years since we met and I can’t imagine having to do any of it without him. He is my rock and my better half. If history repeats itself our life will only get crazier… but I wouldn’t have it any other way… if the next 10 is as good as this last 10 I say “BRING ON THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!”

Here are some random pictures from the last ten years J enjoy!

my life in HS

Graduated with these people...

Turned 21 with Brenny :)

Lived with her...

then her... 

 Joined with them...

then lived here... (sorry its blurry!)

did some crazy things and went to some crazy parties

 fell in love with this guy

married him...

 still having fun with these girls

Had a baby

My new "Friday/Saturday" night plans :)

 My world :)

This week...

So, as many of you know and some of your don't, this week we did a 5 day chemotherapy through the clinic. What does this mean most of you say? Let me break it down :) This certain chemo is given over 5 days and anywhere from 6-8 hours. Last time we had a 5 day in a row chemotherapy we went to the hospital because I didn't know if I could do it in the clinic. What's a clinic? The clinic is where Dominick sees the doctor every week and gets his weekly fast chemo. In the clinic they have rooms for kids that get other things done and they have a transfusion room. It looks just like the one my grandma sat it. It is a huge room with big chairs that you sit in with your machine next to you. They have a playroom, the wii, games, TV etc, the only thing with Dominick is he is to young to use any of the "fun" things at chemo. This is what it looks like...

We started Monday with lots of anxiety but it wasn't as bad as we thought. There are so many wonderful families that come in and out, and the staff is amazing. It is funny, because you can relate to all of these parents, and they kind of become your friends. All the kids start to get to know each other and I must say all the little girls love them some Dominick :) There was one little girl crying one day before she had to get accessed and all she wanted was to "Say hi to baby Dominick first." So, sure enough, the nurse let her come over and say hi, then she let them stick her with the needle! It was pretty cute- So our typical day went like this, Ryan came with me bright and early and my mom would come around 12:30, bring me lunch, and stay with us until we were done. We would leave anywhere from 2-3:30. HOWEVER, on Friday we didn't leave until 4:45 because little D needed a blood transfusion and those take 3 hours! Not only does it take forever, but blood scares me. I had to sign forms that would make any normal mother a panicked wreck! It is one of those things where you know they need it, but it is still hard to sign and go through with it... kind of how this whole process has been! Friday I would have to say my mom gets the gold star :) She sat with me ALL day. She had planned on leaving but when she saw I was going to loose my mind with the blood situation she said she would stay. What an amazing mother I have! Even though the situation was not normal, I still took some pictures because this is still his baby memories and what will be in his baby book :) Here are a few!

Just my FamBam hanging out in a chemo clinic... totally normal right?

After the crazy week, and the even harder day I came home to NO HUBBY!!! He said he had to go back to work :( Then he pulled up in this pretty thang...

 

We have been talking about trading in 2, out of the 3, cars we own and getting a new (new to us) car that would carry a baby (and baby #2 when we have one) and could also tow a boat. Right now we have a car JUST for the baby and one JUST for the boat. Yes, this sounds pretty simple, but we still just have not done it. Behind my back, this guy had been on Carmax's web everyday and calling around to find deals. Every time he found one and would nonchalantly run it by me, the car would be gone! So he found one, liked it, and made it my early birthday present! I was only asking for a necklace, but it is safe to say the car is better than any necklace :) This was an amazing ending to a hard week!

Does this look like a baby in CHEMO???

My happy little buddy today.... pretty much laughing for no reason :) Next week we start another round of 5 day/ 6 hour a day chemo :(  I am going to try going to the clinic where we get his other chemo treatments, because this way ryan can still see us with his work. It is a hard decision, but I am going to try and tough it out for Ryan- So hopefully he stays crazy and happy for mama and dada- Anyways, here is my little CHEMO WARRIOR :)

seriously how cute is this guy!!!!!!

This weekend...

This past weekend was so much fun! On Saturday we went to a birthday party, which I LOVE birthdays, and it was one of the best decorated ones I have been too- Mama Mallory was such a good host... pizza, beer, and cake-pops... umm, hello that always equals a good time :) She also had the BEST "goody bags" for the kiddos, meaning they were so age appropriate. Dominick's bag (because I don't know if they were different) had bubbles, a baby book, and best of all baby food- I mean, seriously perfect bag for a 8month old...... and not to mention the bag itself is now one of Dominick's toys, don't know if that was done on purpose, but it is an adorable bag!

I didn't take any pictures :( but here is the lady-bug bag, with each kids name on front!

Then later that night, Bethy, Folkert and Bennys came out! We all decided to jump in the pool. Since Dominick hadn’t had Chemotherapy for 2 weeks, he was able to get in the pool, and LOVED IT!!!! It was so fun to see how much he loves the water. I know he LOVED the bath, but this took it to a WHOLE new level. He is my little swimmer for sure! Also, since he hadn’t had Chemotherapy in so long we decided to do “Bathy Time” with the boys… SOOOOO CUTE! I can’t wait until they are able to play with each other in the tub-  We ended the night with amazing burgers and hot dogs courtesy of my husband’s remarkable BBQing skills- YUM-O!

POOL TIME- 1st fam bam picture in the pool and then one of the boys!
"Bathy Time" then play time for the cousins

Then came Sunday... Let me just say this… Ryan and I were, and still are, overwhelmed with how many people came out. We knew it would be a little crowded but O MY GOSH we had no idea that many people would come. It was incredible to see so many faces; family from all over CA, old friends, new friends, FB friends etc J We can’t say thank you enough for everyone spending their Sunday with us. Just when you think the world is a crazy place, you are quickly reminded there are still many good people out there. I was amazed with how generous people were, and on top of it people who didn’t even know us but came because they heard. When I turned around, and would see a little gold bracelet on so many people’s wrist, it would seriously take my breath away. I think sometimes I forget this whole ordeal is happening to me, but when I sit down and think about it, it is scary the road we have ahead, but then I remember all the people that are behind us to help us with anything we may need and it eases my anxiety and nerves. Thanks again for all the support and love, thanks for the texts, emails, facebook messages, cards etc. None of that will ever get old to my little family and I can’t express how much the kind words lift our spirits when we have our down days. Thanks again seriously over and over to everyone who came………….. and a special shout out thank you to my parents, Ryan’s mom, Robert and Larry, the whole Abriel Family, and everyone who donated something for us to use Sunday. Everything got used and many people left with amazing gifts-  

"tougher than I look" Our little hero :)



Us before... and CLEARLY us after!