The Gonzales Gang: October 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011

"Tears are not a sign of weakness. They're a sign that you've been strong for too long"

Just realized I have not "blogged" since my birthday :/ (I know!!!) My birthday weekend was a relaxing one. The day of my birthday I went to a 2nd bday, went to church, gave blood, and went to see 50/50. The next day (Sunday) I stayed in PJ's until I had to get ready for dinner at 4 (yes kind of embarrassing but everyone is entitled to a few good PJ days!) I have to say the movie hit home!!! I don't know if it was the best "date-night" movie, but at least he lived so it wasn't as sad as it could have been. (sorry if I just gave away the ending, I do that a lot! Whoops!) It put a funny spin on a serious condition. The part that got my tears followin' was when they rolled him in to surgery!!!!!!!!! That moment, those few seconds, was the WORST moment so far in my life- Having your child seriously ripped away from you, thinking "this could be the last time I hold him, kiss him etc." is HORRIBLE! Watching the guy and mom in the movie before surgery made those crazy emotions come flying back :/ But, I have to say it was a great movie and everyone should go see it :)

Then came Monday....... you know, regular kidney check-up for the baby. Usually the heart and kidney docs say the same thing. "everything is looking good, we will keep an eye on it." So naturally I am thinking "no big deal." WRONG WRONG WRONG! OK, well nothing horrible is wrong, I think this doctor just brought me back to reality. Lately I have been so excited we are on our FINAL stretch with Chemo and the light at the end of this twisted tunnel is getting bright and more clear- I always say "we are almost done with this whole thing!" I think I completely forgot about him only having 1 kidney. I think everyone forgets- Everyone always says "when is chemo done, when are you guys going to be done with everything?" Well the answer to that is NEVER! Him having 1 kidney is and isn't a big deal. He has to be closely followed by the kidney Dr and have regular test done to make sure the kidney is bigger than normal (to pump for 2) but not too big (over working itself)- This is also a crucial time to see if it will do its job while he grows so fast the next few years. So my obvious assumption is we are in the clear after that- NOPE, the next crucial phase will be when he goes through puberty- PUBERTY! Do you know how far away that is? I know I am so blessed that this is the only thing I have to worry about, it just puts a damper in your day/week when you didn't really think about it-

So, Ryan and I always said we will have baby #2 when Dominick is healthy and I can have enough emotional energy to be pregnant. Well, going to this appointment made me think baby #2 should not even be a thought until D is 18! :/ OK, so obviously I am not going to have another baby in 18 years, but it was just something else we never thought about- I guess with this kind of situation, you just live your life and what happens will happen, and with that comes the possibility of being pregnant while living in a hospital and/or dragging your newborn to all kinds of doctors appointments for his/her big brother- We do say it would be hard, but who's life is easy?

OK, now that I feel emotionally exhausted from just writing this, let me have my vent... or this is your time to stop reading :) This past week I have just felt so depressed- I think I have this stress thing figured out, when you are in a stressful situation you go in survival mode- There are seriously weeks I don't cry or shed a tear. I just know everything will be fine and he is fine and nothing is wrong and we are a normal family, taking your kid to chemo is normal, medicine all the time are normal etc. Then all of the sudden, the reality smack hits ya! NO SARAH, this much medicine is not normal, your baby takes more medicine than your father with heart problems, your baby goes to CHEMO, ... chemotherapy for cancer, CHEMO like the kind you see on movies and older people get, your baby has no hair because the poison in his body made it fall out, carrying a thermometer in your diaper bag and checking his temp when he feels a little hot is not normal, venturing to another city and wondering if something happens where is the nearest hospital is not normal etc. These thoughts just fill my head so fast I have moments of complete breakdown! Everyone thinks I am fine, which most of the time I am, but I am human and I am a mother, so of course I have horrible panic attacks and cry out of nowhere! Just for some reason reality hit hard these last few weeks. With these attacks of reality comes the guilt all over again. I look at pictures when he was 5ish months and seriously think "what kind of mother thinks he looks normal? What kind of horrible mom doesn't realize he looks so uncomfortable? What kind of mother thinks it is OK to look so swollen?" These thoughts go on and on. Sometimes I just think it is unfair to him that I" If there is anything I can share now is as a mother, if you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, that you know it is but because your not a doctor you don't fight for what you truly believe, what I learned is you do fight for your kid. You are the voice for your child- So, all you moms, dads, whoever, if you think it you are probably right!

Anyways, I know this whole thing is not my fault, it is just hard sometimes to still believe it- OK, enough of the crying for me... just thought I would vent and let the world know I am not as strong as most of you think- I do have many weak moments and these past few weeks have been tough on me- Thank you all for the continuous support and love through everything~

One of my favorite pictures :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

reflection of my life thus far...

So today I have done a lot of reflecting of my life since tomorrow is my birthday. I thought about how fast time has FLOWN by and all that I have done. Ten years ago I was about to turn the BIG “18” and threatened my mom “if you don’t take me to get my belly button pierced I can legally go tomorrow.” My mom took me because she wanted to sign for something for the last time! I remember the day like it was yesterday! We went and Brenna met us after she got off work at “The Deli.” (side note, that place is amazing!) Like everyone else that turns 18, you think you know everything and that you have life figured out! Well Blog flowerers this could not be more UN-true! You are still a baby at 18! Anyways, I turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year. No clubbing for me because I was one of the first ones so nothing really changed in my life- I LOVED my senior year and was sad to leave Etiwanda. I remember thinking when I left “how is Etiwanda going to function without me and my friends?” ha ha ha Senior year was filled with boy drama, parties, girl drama, parties, and sometimes (mom look away) forging my mom’s signature for an off campus pass… don’t judge I still managed to graduate people! I always think “how did everyone always know about house parties before myspace and facebook?” O ya, PAGERS! Ha ha ha I can proudly say MY generation invented the text messaging via pager code 43770!!!!! (ok so the number text has changed in the past 10 years but if you were legit you will figure it out!) I didn’t take it all in at the time, but that was one of the best times of my life-

To sum up the next 9 years after, I went to college, lived with friends, joined AXO, graduated college, got a teaching credential etc. In between all of those was a DAMN good time! Then I met a certain guy named Ryan Gonzales. He changed my life forever! NOTHING could have prepared me for who I was going to meet on my “man-hunt” that night- He was such an amazing person from the second we met- He is so thoughtful and showed me how I was suppose to be treated. You could say we were attached at the hip since we met and got engaged 9 months later! “and between me and you, him owning a boat might have helped seal the deal!” ha ha ha just kidding… kinda… J I feel in love, got married a year and a half later, had a baby a year and a half after that and could not be more blessed with my life- I remember thinking when I turned 18, and again when I graduated HS, about the next 10 years and what my life would be like. It is not the image I imagined but whose is. I didn’t think I would marry after such a short time of knowing someone and I definitely didn’t think I would meet him in a bar, I didn’t think I wouldn’t have an amazing job by now, I thought I would have more kids by now, and I for sure NEVER thought I would be facing the challenges of being a parent of a child with cancer! HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD… Ok let’s be honest it would be nice to go back and try a little harder and get better grades (yes I said it mom & dad!) J Let me just say this, I am blessed not to have a major career right now (clearly), I am beyond blessed Ryan wanted to marry me and even more blessed for my precious baby boy-Ryan made my life complete and the baby was a bonus. They are truly the 2 loves of my life and safe to say the best 2 things to enter my life these past 10 years- Many people say to me “Dominick is so lucky and blessed to have parents like you.” Ryan will say “Dominick is so lucky to have you with him all day every day.” To both of those I say I am the lucky one. I am so lucky he is MY son, I am so lucky I am able to stay home with him and I think of myself as the lucky one. This little baby has taught me to love life and not take it for granted. He has taught me to love stronger, hug tighter, and to really live life to the fullest.

I think now at 18 +10 (my computer just can’t write that # :/) I have figured out the secret to life. It is all about LOVE! I am beyond blessed for my family and I think the older you get, the more you realize how much they mean to you- I really do have an amazing family! And not to mention how fun it is to have Benny and Dominick grow up together J I also have amazing friends I can always count on. I met new ones, lost good ones, and held on to the old ones- As sad as losing a best friend can be, finding who the true ones are is so rewarding- And above all else, I have the best husband and son anyone could ask for! Ryan is my rock and keeps me grounded and both of my boys happiness gives me a reason to smile everyday-

To wrap it up, I can’t believe how amazing these past ten years have been. Even though I miss the HELL out of High School and the fun times of college , living with friends and in the sorority house ( and to be honest doing my hair and make-up every day), I wouldn’t trade my ‘wearing PJs all day, stay at home date nights with the hubs’ for anything. Ryan and I have been on a crazy ride the past 3 years since we met and I can’t imagine having to do any of it without him. He is my rock and my better half. If history repeats itself our life will only get crazier… but I wouldn’t have it any other way… if the next 10 is as good as this last 10 I say “BRING ON THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!”

Here are some random pictures from the last ten years J enjoy!